


Hating Myself to Death

by KarkatHorns



Series: Suicidestuck [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood, Gore, Graphic descriptions of violence, Moirailegence, Moirails, Other, Pale Fluff, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, References to Suicide, Self-Loathing, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-03
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-11-17 16:38:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/553669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KarkatHorns/pseuds/KarkatHorns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat attempts to commit suicide, and is saved by Dave and the others who proceed to try and stop him from cutting. Karkat however, can not deal with this sudden change, and the anxiety of it all ends up breaking him. Can they save him before it's too late?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Discovery

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU ALEXA FOR HELPING ME WITH THIS!!!

The twists and turns of the veil would confuse any other being that dared to walk their path. To anyone unfamiliar to them, they would seem to form a labyrinth of confusion. Even those that have been here for about a year could have a rough time. Everything seemed to be plastered in gray, and nothing had life to it. Then again, you're a Strider, and nothing will ever compare to the home of a past billionaire. You wandered past the places you and Terezi often used as a chalkboard, and this part of the meteor was unfamiliar to you. Despite the year you've about spent here, you had always seemed to avoid this part of the meteor. You ran out of ideas for raps, with no real inspiration anywhere. No one wanted to talk to you either, being too busy or simply keeping to themselves. Terezi has been up to something lately, though you aren't sure of what. Why not just wander around for a while? Though the only thing you heard was the sound of your footsteps and your own breathing, you distracted yourself by trying to find something out of place. Surely there had to be a horn or some stray book around here somewhere. Surprisingly, no signs of inhabitants were to be seen around at all. It was all much too clean and bland. The only thing you could smell was something along the lines of an old book smell, though it was still better than nothing.

**== > Dave: Question Karkat **

You are snapped out of your reminiscing when you notice a familiar face walk by. He looks like he's lost in his own thoughts, and seems upset somehow. He probably doesn't notice you, because he continues walking with that same, discontented face on. Finding this a bit strange, you stop him. Hell, you have nothing else to do. Though he doesnt like you much, you personally have nothing against him. "Hey dude," you greet. He snaps out of whatever it was he was in. As soon as he notes your presence in the room, he snaps out of it. Instead, he tries his best to look like his usual self. He gives you his best attempt at a casual look, as if someone pissed in his apple juice or something. "What do you want?" he asks, almost defensively.

DAVE: what's up   
KARKAT: NOTHING. JUST TIRED.   
DAVE: are you sure   
KARKAT: I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP IN A WHILE. THAT'S ALL.   
DAVE: maybe you should watch one of your boring movies   
DAVE: those things could put anybody to sleep  
KARKAT: I GUESS. SOUNDS LIKE AN IDEA, AT LEAST.  
DAVE: of course its a good idea i recommended it    
DAVE: you kinda look like shit though dude no offence   
KARKAT: FUCK OFF. I HAVE SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH MY TIME THAN BE OFFENDED BY YOU. BYE, DAVE.  
DAVE: okay later i guess 

You watch him walk off, heading over to his room. You didn't mean to insult him- just point out that he looked like something was botherinf him. He seemed a bit too defensive and weird, but he still might be upset about what happened between you and Terezi. You wonder briefly if his movies or whatever will cheer him up, if anything. Maybe you can check up on him later.

**== > Dave: Find Karkat**

You don't know what you mean by "Find Karkat." You know where he is, after all. He didnt fucking evaporate into thin air and leave through your fingertips. You head over to his respiteblock after passing Terezi in the hallway. You give her a thumbs up, and she gives you one back, laughing a bit. You two are cool as fuck. Though, it doesnt take long before she's off somewhere. Your intersctions have been short like this for a long while.

You make your way over to Karkat's room, but something startles you before you knock. You hear a small whimpering from behind the door, and it sounds like someone's in pain? You aren't sure what to think at first. Then, you realize thst you told him to watch movies just about an hour ago. He was probably crying about some love story, or upset about one of his stupid romance novels. For a young teen he has way too many books marketed for menopausal women. The bad ones with cheesy titles and worse plots. Surely, he's fine. You don't realize how wrong you are until you hear another noise. You have a bad feeling in your gut, growing steadily as you realize that something is wrong with this picture. The whining you can get, but along with it is a deep, alien hiss. It's the type a person gets when they get a bad papercut, and it startles you. You knock on the door at first, because you aren't a fucking barbarian with no sense of social norms. You get no responce for a good minute. Confused, that is when you finally decide to open the door, and the sight from behind it is almost enough to make your heart stop beating entirely. It's enough to break through your stoic act entirely. Your jaw drops, your eyes widen and you can't believe what you see.

This never should have happened.

Karkat is curled up on the floor, blood dripping from his wrists. Your eyes looked down instantly at the sight of blood, and you're not sure if you should look up. He holds his sickle in his hands, shakily. You can't tell if he is even responsive at this point. You stand there, horror overwhelming your body. You can't move for a moment or two, and you can feel your legs shake from under you. When you regain your senses, you run over to him. You are absolutely overwhelmed with panic as he writhes about. You wince at the sight of the blood, and pick him up off of the ground. You carefully remove his hands from the sickle, and notice the tears flowing from his closed eyes. You can't tell if the tears are emotional or physical, but at this point you don't care. He's still and quiet, aside from his edgy breathing, and his rampant heartbeat. He becomes limp in your arms, hands falling to his sides. You rush out of his respiteblock, feeling almost as if you were walking on air because of how fast you rush him down the hallway. Every second feels like an eternity as you make your way over to Kanaya's room and frantically knock on her door. Fuck, this all could have been avoided. If only you'd known what he had been planning. Fuck--

**== > Karkat: Wake up**

Your body feels like it is made out of lead, and you can feel a burning pain from the wounds you created earlier. You hear some whispering from around the room, and a soft hand brushes against your forehead. Slowly but steadily, the voices begin to grow clearer as the moments go by. It takes a long while, but you finally manage to catch some of the things being said.

"I believe that he is finally waking up. Please, bring something with sugar in it if you would," a familiar, gentle voice says. You open your eyes, the blurry world around you coming into focus ever so slowly. You recognize the familiar shape of Kanaya as she addresses Dave, and he rushes off. You can feel something beside you, a weight of sorts, next to you on the bed. You turn your head to see Terezi sitting on a chair besides you, fast asleep. Her arms are crossed over the bed, with her head laying on top of them. She's only a small distance away from your arm, too. Speaking of your arms, both of them are bandaged from just under your shoulders to the palm of your hands. Your body burns as if you had been hit by a human truck and thrown into a volcano. Your cuts burn deeply and there is a soreness throughout your body that makes you feel disgustingly weak. This is the price you have to pay for being caught too early.

Dave returns to the room with the Mayor by his side. Dave has a cup of instant noodles in one hand, and a cup of juice in the other. So far, these are some of the only meals that you can actually eat on this god forsaken meteor. He hands them over to Kanaya. Fuck, you can barely remember the last time you actually ate something that wasn't 'instant' or could be made in just a few minutes. You really miss Crabdad. At least he knew how to cook. You don't know until this very moment thst you had been making noise, either. The world is a dizzy, distorted mess. It feels like the room won't stoop shaking and swerving. In fact,, it makes you feel vaguely nauseous. You've been letting out small groans of pain, a near-growl escaping your throat. You look up to see Kanaya walking over to you. It takes a moment for your mind to actually register what's going on, seeing as you're still quite dizzy and tired. You sit up, and wince a bit at the pain that radiates from your chest. It must be the wound you created before you lost consciousness. It's all just a blurry mess to you, really. Kanaya helps you sit up, and Terezi doesn't so much as even stir as you move. You let out a near squawk at the movement, pain rushing up through your front like you have suddenly been fucking electrocuted. 

Your bandaged arms are hard to work with, so you don't complain when Kanaya begins to spoon-feed you. Though, it is really degrading. You wish you weren't here right now, and thst is true for a number of different meanings. Dave and the Mayor are quiet as they watch you. You can't understand what the emotion on Dave's face is. If anything, you want him to go away. You want the whole fucking world to go away and leave you alone, actually. You don't think you've ever seen Dave ever looking so... tired. He looks as if he's studying your every move, trying to see what is going through your mind. Then again, you can't really tell with those large shades that cover most of his face. The Mayor, however, is easier to read. He has a look of genuine concern on his face, and it looks as if he's debating whether to leave you alone or come over. You feel like a mummy, wrapped up in all of these fucking bandages. You probably look like you fought with a lawnmower and lost. If your arms weren't trashed, you would have blamed this all on accidental injuries while practicing with your sickle. However, there's no excuse that could rationalize this away. If you knew what christmas was, you would compare yourself to a gift that somebody wrapped up too much. Nobody says a thing about it, though. You assume they don't want to try and upset you after everything that has happened. And of course, you're right.

You want to say something. A part of you wants to run up to everyone and tell them how sorry you are. Sorry that you were such a fucking failure. Sorry that you fucked everything up. Another part of you wants to yell at them for interfering, and not letting you carry out something you've desperately been trying to do. In the end, you're just quiet, letting the silence fill the room until Kanaya finally broke it. "Are you feeling any better?" she asks, and you nod ever so slightly. "You scared the living shit out of us, dude," Dave comments. You look down at the bandages on your arm again, and you catch Kanaya giving Dave a quick look. "Sorry," he replies.

**== > Karkat: Notice Something. Or rather, Someone.**

You hadn't noticed Rose sitting down in the corner of the room until you heard the sound of a pen clicking. She had been writing in a small notepad, and you assume that she was acting like one of those human "therapists." She looks over to Dave and nods at him, and after that he leaves the room with the Mayor following after him. Terezi is still sleeping beside you, and you're sure that if the world spontaneously combusted at this very moment, this troll would still be asleep. "What happened to Terezi?" you ask. Your voice shakes against your will, and your hands tightly grab at the sheets. You knew the others will take note of this. Literally, seeing as Rose is still writing. Rose begins to speak. "She was waiting for you to awaken for quite a while, Karkat. She stood up all night, and I suppose that it caught up with her." There was a brief pause, before she begins to speak some more. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but you you be okay talking to us about what happened?" "No. That's nobody's business, alright?" you respond. You would cross your arms, but decide against it seeing that would probably hurt. "If you do not wish to talk, I request that you at least listen." You are quiet at that, and decide to stay quiet as she continues. "You have made us all very, very worried about you. So worried, in fact, that from now on, we decided that you can not be alone." Your eyes widen a bit at that.

"What do you mean by that?" You ask, trying to keep yourself from either gritting your teeth or actually feeling a bit relieved. "We cannot be sure of what would happen if we left you unsupervised," Kanaya explains. "Also, we can tell that this self-harming did not start recently. You have many scars, some of them much older and shallower than other ones. This adds to our concern," Rose states. You don't say a word in reply. "Rose would like for you to visit her every once in a while. She has some questions for you as well, and so I shall leave the room for the time being," Kanaya adds. She gets up and leaves, closing the door carefully behind her. You look up at Rose, quietly.

ROSE: You do not need to answer ant question that makes you uncomfortable   
After a moment, she asks her first question. Let the psychology begin.  
ROSE: How do you feel when you cut? Is there a sense of relief?   
You nod, not wanting to say anything or elaborate on the topic.  
ROSE: Do you use this method to cope with stress of any kind?"   
You nod once more.  
ROSE: Do you feel anything that could be described as a feeling of emptiness, constantly or otherwise?   
You look away, not answering that one. There's another awkward pause, before she asks another question.  
ROSE: Could you associate these feelings as a form of black solicitation with yourself?  
You look up at her, confusion showing on your face. Wait a second, what was she trying to suggest?  
KARKAT: WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALTERNIA ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?   
ROSE: Simply put, it's possible that you might be doing this to yourself because--  
KARKAT: ROSE, THERE IS NO WAY THAT I COULD HAVE A HATECRUSH ON MYSELF.  
You might have been yelling a bit too loudly, because Terezi begins to stir.

You blink at Terezi as she gets up. She notices you, immediately wrapping you in a tight hug. Rose analyzes her notes, closing her book before standing up and putting it under her arm. "I'll leave you two to yourselves," she states, leaving the room. It was just you and Terezi now. 

"I was so worried about you, Karkat. When Dave rushed you over to us, we thought that you might not make it..." Terezi had a look of concern covering her face. It's strange to see her looking like that, without her usual "shit-eating" grin. She pulls you closer to her, and you wrap your arms around her in a pitiful attempt of returning the hug. You feel a little nauseous, the guilt finding its way into every corner of your body. You rest your head onto Terezi's shoulder, and she does the same to you. You can feel a drop of something making it's way down your cheek.

KARKAT: I'M SORRY. 

[End of Chapter 1]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeez, this is an old fic. I have been avoiding updating it for a year and a half, actually. It might be two chapters online but there are five on paper. They're really OOC moving on, so I plan to rewrite a lot of this. Hope the edits make it a bit better! So far I rewrote a majority of chapter one.
> 
> \- X


	2. Addiction is a Powerful Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Work in Progress! This story has three chapters so far, but they are all written on looseleaf so I need to type them up. Please be patient! Also, I removed this from Fanfiction.NET, so if you want to read it, please continue to read it on here.

==> Dave: Recap the situation

A few days had gone by before Kanaya decided Karkat's cuts had healed enough for him to walk around on his own. By "on his own," that meant someone had to watch over him every day. Today was your turn. You noticed when he rubbed at his arm throughout the day, always touching the spots on his arm or chest that he had cut into. You worry that he is like some type of addict, silently suffering through withdrawal. You turn to say something, but only come to realize that he had stopped rubbing at his cuts and was digging his nails into his skin.

You grab his hand and pull it away, sighing at the little bits of candy red on his nails. "Karkat, you need to stop this." He looks at the floor, blankly, and doesn't say a single word in reply. He hasn't been talking much at all, and it worries you to no end. You know that he has been paranoid, always looking around or hugging his knees to his chest when he didn't see you looking. You can't help but worry about what might happen if he got a hold of his sickle again, although Terezi managed to talk him into handing it over.

You think that he regrets handing over his sickle more than anything. He's fidgety and anxious most of the time. Rose said that Karkat hurt himself, it felt like his fears and worries didn't exist for that moment. Now that he wasn't allowed to cut, it made him more eager to do it, desperate for some type of relief. Of course, he would have to just deal with it. There was no way in hell that you or the others would let him hurt himself like that again.

"Hey Karkat, do you want to watch a romcom or a movie or whatever?" you ask, although you can already assume what his answer would be. Rose also mentioned that he might not even enjoy things like books or movies anymore, because of what was happening in his head. Leave it to Rose for figuring all of that out. To your suprise, Karkat answers you previous question with a shake of the head, although he still avoided eye contact. You sigh. This is going to be a long trip.

**== > Karkat: Go insane. **

You cannot go insane due to the fact that you are already in the process of doing so. Your cuts itch, and you just want to dig your claws into your skin to open them again. Stress is overwhelming your mind, overcoming you like a never-ending ocean. It feels like you are drowning in that ocean, and can no longer breathe for air. You want it to stop. You don't care if you need to kill yourself in the process of doing so.

You take a deep breath and mentally count to ten, something Rose taught you so that you can calm down in these kinds of situations. Dave brings you over to Kanaya's room. They talk for a bit, although you don't pay attention in the slightest. Kanaya gently takes you with her to the bathroom.

KANAYA: Karkat, We All Think It's About Time To Wash Your Cuts. Would You Let Us Do That?

You are quiet for a moment before replying to her with a brief nod.

**== > Karkat: Take a bath. **

A bath? You don't know why you would want to sit in a tub filled with your own filth and dried blood. You take a shower instead. You sit at the bottom of the tub, completely motionless as Kanaya takes a washcloth and gently rubs at the cuts on your wrists and chest. She didn't use any soap, probably worried about if it would hurt you. You manage to cool your head and calm down, listening to the sound of the water.

After that, you got dressed and the Karkat-watching duties were given over to Terezi. She gives you her trademark shit-eating grin. 

TEREZI: H3Y K4RK4T

KARKAT: ...hey

TEREZI: W4NT TO JO1N D4V3 4ND M3 1N C4N TOWN?

You stare at her blankly.

KARKAT: do i even have a choice?  
TEREZI: COM3 ON, 1T W1LL B3 FUN!

Soon enough, you were dragged into Can Town.

**== > Dave: Pass the chalk. **

You pass Karkat the chalk and he draws what appears to be some type of mix between a spades symbol and a heart. To each his own, you guess. You work on a sweet bro and hella Jeff chalk comic, and of course it is sick as fuck. You can't help but feel uneasy, though. It was a day just like this when you found Karkat. 

**== > Dave: Flashback. **

You get up, deciding that perhaps now would be a good time to bother Karkat. He seemed as dull as ever when you talked with him earlier. You stand by his door, wondering what he would say when you bother him. That's when you hear a small whine that completely baffles you, and open the door. 

You rush over to him, not sure what to do. You pick him up, noting how thin and fragile he seems in your arms. He might have either tried to starve himself, or just stopped eating in an attempt to avoid interacting with anyone on the veil. You assume that it is some mix of both. 

You carry him off, not caring about the blood that smeared on your shirt. When you reach Kanaya's room, you are fucking thankful that she is actually there. You frantically kick at the door, being unable to knock with your hands full of bloody troll. 

When Kanaya opens the door, she is completely taken aback by the figure limp in your arms. In just a few moments more, Karkat is finally settled onto a bed of towels. Kanaya cut some of her fabric into makeshift bandages, wrapping them tightly over Karkat's wounds. It felt like an eternity passed before Kanaya broke the silence. "I've stopped the bleeding."

Rose escorts you out out of the room, your legs shaking as if you had just woken up from a horrible nightmare. You feel as if you are going to throw up. You walk off into your room and lay down. Your attempts to go to sleep fail, amd after about an hour you return to Kanaya's room. She removed the sickle from his chest and stopped the bleeding. She also sewed up the wound, as well as his biggest cuts. Seeing that everything is okay, you calm down a little and leave to go find Terezi.

You knock on Terezi's door, and she opens it with her usual grin. Seeing your pale face, she shifts her expression into one of confusion. 

DAVE: tez i got some bad news

**Author's Note:**

> This story revolves around the idea that Karkat has been doing this for a long time. At first, he started cutting for a sense of relief, but ended up hating himself for it. Alas, the more he hated himself for it, the more he cut. This started off slowly, over time. He almost got himself to stop, but then as everything he knew began crashing down around him, it came back tenfold. He cut in secret, and never thought he would be discovered. When he finally was, he had no way of knowing how to deal with it, and the anxiety just made him crash completely. After all, it wasn't him that wanted to stop. It was his friends that did. And it's his friends who need to help him back on his feet again, so that things don't escalate even further. THIS IS NOT AN INTERACTIVE STORY.
> 
> Please take note of this before you comment.


End file.
